Managing Parent Burnout
Written by: Dr. Anjelica Fahey
A client recently described noticing herself yelling more, feeling increasingly irritable, and questioning why she feels as if she’s failing to juggle all of her responsibilities. She repeatedly asked herself, Why can’t I manage things better? Why am I so tired? Why do I feel angry?
And through these questions, I could hear the quiet judgement and self-criticism that somehow, we parents should be doing better - feeling more present for our children, finding joy in giving ourselves over to them, and simply not feeling so tired.
However, this seemed to be a common theme of recent years: Parental burn out. In fact, recent studies have indicated that roughly 60% of adults feel burned out by their responsibilities as a parent. I’ve found that parents often hold themselves to a higher standard, driven by increased expectations and perfectionism.
While it can be healthy to set our expectations high, it may not always be realistic. In my work with parents, I help them recognize that it is okay to accept that the day might not always go as planned, or that we might not accomplish as much on our to-do list. With that, is an adjustment of our expectations and accepting that sometimes we may not have handled things as well as we would have liked. We learn and move forward.
Acceptance means letting go of perfection. It isn’t about lowering our standards.
Life comes with surprises and unexpected changes in routine. Homework is lost, the dog needs to be walked, and dinner is still not on the table when kids get home after practice. We lose our patience. This is life. Give yourself permission to be human and let go of the things that are not as important. At the end of the day, most of the homework got done, your teenager reluctantly walked the dog, the family ate something, and we all get to try again tomorrow.
The American Psychological Association defines perfectionism as the tendency to demand an extremely high or even flawless level of performance, in excess of what is required by the situation. While striving for excellence can be a worthwhile goal, perfectionism is associated with mental health issues like burnout, stress, self-criticism and depression.
Making allowances means speaking kindly to yourself.
Making allowances is embracing imperfection and practicing self-compassion. It means catching that inner voice that says, “You’re failing,” and replacing it with, “You’re doing your best—and that’s enough.” This simple shift in self-talk can turn guilt into compassion, and compassion into resilience. It’s recognizing that imperfections are part of the shared human experience and maintaining awareness of negative emotions and challenging yourself to respond with kindness.
Self-kindness versus self-judgement.
Burnout tells you that life is too much, overwhelming and stressful. Sometimes we need a reminder that life can also be full of joy, if you choose to see it. Choosing joy, even in small ways can be something as simple as reading a book for your Book Club, going out for ice cream or just sitting outside in your backyard enjoying a sip of coffee before the craziness of the day begins. Joy doesn’t make the daily struggles of life disappear, but it can fuel you so that you can meet the challenges with a bit more patience and heart.
As a parent and clinician, I know how easy it can be to get drawn into ensuring our children have it all, especially in a high achieving community such as Bergen County, NJ. Sometimes burnout feels too heavy to carry alone. Reach out to Life Insight, we’ll help you navigate burnout with compassion and care.
